my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
