Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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