I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
