I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Also, beer. Big fan.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
