So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I could have mohawked her pubes.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
