M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
