On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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