We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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