I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
