Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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