The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
