I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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