If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
