i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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