That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
