Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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