i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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