I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
