some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's shark week go big or go home
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
