Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
