Whod you bang
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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