I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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