I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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