so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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