Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
home. puking in laundry basket.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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