Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
