When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
