Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
