you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
