I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
