So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
