I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize