I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
