I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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