then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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