Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
