at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
