Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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