I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
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You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How external is "for external use only"?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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