Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Two words: blizzard sex
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
