Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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