I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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