I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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