We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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