smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
