Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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