just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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