I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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