I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
