I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
