There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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