I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You're like the curious george of whores
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
