the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
