More tranny stories later!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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