New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
