after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
