I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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