someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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